Excuse Me, What?

I have precisely mixed feelings about this. The movie geek in me was spazzing over the effects and aesthetics and other filmy shit that was awesome. As a movie, I loved it. As a canonical part of the Harry Potter saga and as an adaption, I wanted to shoot myself in the damn face. Because fuck paragraphs right now, here's a bullet list of opinions straight up Bible facts, son:

• That awkward moment when Harry is more concerned with a two-timing goblin's well-being than Supreme Chancellor Adam Sutler Ollivander, the man who created his wand and told Harry that he would expect great things from him and whatnot. Seriously, Harry is all like "Omg Griphook how are you feeling omg p.s. help us break into Gringotts, kthx" and then with Ollivander, he's like "Omg I have some questions whose wands are these anyway and can you tell me about the Deathly Hallows YOU ARE LYING YOU TOLD VOLDEMORT OMG kthxbai." I mean, I can understand that Harry needed to shmooze Griphook into helping them out, but Ollivander rules and I dunno, I guess I was just raised to have some goddamn courtesy to all my fellows. But then again, Harry was raised by the Dursley's. OKAY, THIS BULLET IS POINTLESS, SHUT UP.
• Actually, there was a point. In the books, Ollivander has never heard of the Deathly Hallows, but in the movie, he has heard of the legend, but dismisses it. Dafuq. He might as well have never heard of it for all the effect it had in the events yet unfolded.
• "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" LOVED IT, LOVED IT, LOVED IT. MOLLY FUCKING WEASLEY, HBIC.
• Absolutely NO backstory on the Dumbledores whatsoever. Unacceptable. I think this bothers people who have read the books less, but people who only watch the movies but haven't read the books should have some emotional investment in Dumbledore anyway and would probably like to know why the fuck Aberforth was Hopeless McBitterface, had a portrait of his dead sister that was mentioned exactly once by Hermione and had such a grudge against Dumbledore. Lol plot holes r funsies.
• Apparently, Crabbe turned into a tall black kid named Blaise Zabini and escaped death by rewrite. Don't grow drugs, kids. Lo siento, Goyle.
• I like how the Malfoys were just like "ADIOS, BITCHES" during the final showdown. There really wasn't any use for them after that, so I mean, whatever.
• Neville Longbottom. Oh. My. God. What a fucking BAMF. His speech was retarded, but it's okay because I came buckets when he cut off Nagini's head and not because of all the phallic imagery, what with the snake and sword and junk. Haha, junk. But in all seriousness, blood is really a flattering color on you, Neville dear.
• ALAN RICKMAN FOR ALL THE AWARDS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE GENEVA CONVENTION AND ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD.
• ALAN RICKMAN'S WIG FOR ALL THE L'OREAL AWARDS. BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT. For realz though, his mane was straight up ghetto fabulous. I kept expecting him to do a hair flip. Sassy Gay Snape FTW.
• George's death. All my creys are belong to this scene. The Phelps twins were breaking my damn heart.
• Oliver Wood was not in this movie at all helping out with the battle and such which means that Sean Biggerstaff was not in this movie at all and that is just not okay ever.
• A moment of silence for how much Our Lady of Immaculate Puberty touched the lives of Matthew Lewis and Alfred Enoch (Dean Thomas).............thank you.
• McGonagall's reference to Seamus's pyrotechnic abilities: Priceless.
• The Death Eater that was in the very front of the giant group confronting Neville. You know, the one that stepped over the invisible line after the shield spells were broken and kinda looked like Jared Leto? Yeah, I appreciated his existence just a little bit.
• The fiery/smoky Voldemorts that appeared after the Horcruxes were destroyed seemed hokey as shit to me. I dunno.
• Oh, that reminds me: VOLDEMORT IS NOT FUCKING AWARE WHEN A HORCRUX IS DESTROYED. HE IS LOSING A BIT OF HIS SOUL, SOMETHING INTANGIBLE, NOT GETTING HIS INTERNAL ORGANS REMOVED WITH A RUSTY HOOK AND WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF ANESTHESIA. Jesus Christ on a stick, that made me so angry. But if you're going to not be canon, go big or go home.
• Voldemort's death scene = biggest disappointment of my life. In the book, it's this awesome scene with Harry disappearing until he projects a Shield Charm of biblical proportions to shield the people fighting for Hogwarts. Then there's a showdown in the center of the demolished Great Hall with Harry and Voldy circling one another and having some fun Tarantino-esque banter about how Voldemort was wrong about fucking everything and Harry is calling Voldemort "Tom" and Voldy is all like "stop calling me Tom in front of everyone, we are not at home" and Harry is like "lol stay mad, Riddle" and then HOLY SHIT HERE WE GO WITH THE TWIN CORES EXCEPT NOT REALLY BECAUSE OH HEY, VOLDY IS NOW DEAD. There's a moment of pure silence to register what the actual fuck just happened and then the hall explodes, I mean explodes into cheers as a fierce-ass sunrise is shining through all the broken windows and it's like Harry just won the Quidditch World Cup for England or some shit but instead of catching the Snitch, he killed the most powerful Dark wizard in a century. Precisely none of this fucking happened in the movie.
• What did happen was that Voldemort and Harry did the equivalent of high-school wrestling except it was in the air for a lot of it and at one point, Voldemort meshed his face with Harry's and tried to steal his glasses for his Eyewear From My Mortal Enemies collection or something. It was pretty fucking stupid. And then the moviemakers wore the whole twin cores thing out so hard it needed to be put out of its misery. It got so old after, I don't know, the SEVENTH time they showed it that I was just like "Okay, Avada Kedavra v. Expelliarmus and Harry wins every time, WE GET IT." So then Voldemort dies and then he...evaporates. I'm not even kidding, he turns to scraps of awful and "Dust in the Wind" started playing in my head.
• This annoys me so much because Voldemort's actual death is supposed to be very anticlimactic to me. He spent most of his life trying to achieve total immortality and become better than every other wizard that had ever existed or will ever exist. In the book, Rowling describes, "Tom Riddle hit the floor with a mundane finality, his body feeble and shrunken, the white hands empty, the snakelike face vacant and unknowing" (744). His post-mortem person is just a shell and it's rubbing salt into the wound from the great beyond to a wizard so evil, so power-hungry and so afraid of death, trying to avoid it at all costs. In the script, Stephen Kloves describes, "Tom Riddle evaporated and not a single fuck was given that day."
• Moving away from the Disastrous Death Scene of Disappointment and Disgruntlement, Luna was supremely annoying in this movie. It was like she was trying really hard to be the Luna in the books and the Luna that she was capable of, but she just couldn't do it. Her very first line in this movie is "Muggles think these chimes keep away evil spirits, but they're wrong." Boom, nothing else. Hokey doke. And then she's trying to get all fierce with Harry while he's running to the Ravenclaw common room and she's all like "Harry Potter, you listen to me right now!" Uh, no. Go be annoying, albeit correct, somewhere else.
• Remus and Tonks really do have a son. No, really. NO, REALLY. We just mentioned him in passing and oh yeah, Harry's the godfather but movie!Harry has no idea, apparently and movie!Harry and movie!Lupin are the only people aware of this child. Klol.
• child!Lily and child!Snape were SO FUCKING ADORABLE. LET ME LOVE BOTH OF YOU.
• In this film, we find out that James didn't wear glasses until the day he died or something. That must've been a bitch. "Lily, honey, I'm back from the ophthalmologist! Look at my frames-OH SHIT TAKE HARRY AND GO! IT'S HIM! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF! I am a bad person. Idgaf.
• Apparently, being under the Imperius Curse means that you act like a drunk weirdo. The whole point of putting the curse on someone is so you can control them WITHOUT PEOPLE FIGURING IT OUT. Harry puts the curse on Bogtrod or whatever goblin they took with them and after the obvious-green-and-orange-cloud-is-obvious, the goblin is just either standing or walking around in a daze. Imperio, you are an Unforgivable Curse, not a Confundus Charm. Using you just once means a lifetime in Azkaban. Start acting like it! Oh, and then Ron got to do it the second time around and I'm just like, "Aww, look at Ron trying to be useful." Like he would even be capable of an Unforgivable Curse in the books. Pah.
• Speaking of Ron, this was a movie where I could tolerate his existence for the entire film. That hasn't happened since the first one. Well done, Rupert. Well done.
• The kiss was pretty good. Better than all of Harry's and Ginny's put together, really.
• I'm no forensic expert, but five years in a damp chamber did a nice job of completely and thoroughly decomposing that giant basilisk. Smh.
• The last scene before "19 years later" was the most retarded shit of my life. It consisted of our heroes dicking around on the destroyed bridge before Harry snaps the Elder Wand and throws the pieces over the bridge in a fit of joy or something. Seriously? Here again, a scene that was so much more awesome in the book is completely destroyed by filmmakers who suck. They go up to the headmaster's office and enter to tumultuous applause by all the portraits who are giving Harry a standing O. I could actually picture a camera doing a 360 degree turn around the three of them in the middle of the office as they stand dumbfounded by the praise and approval of these fine former heads. And then, Harry addresses Dumbledore himself and says he's left the Resurrection Stone in the Forbidden Forest, that he's keeping the cloak and that he's getting rid of the Elder Wand, but not after repairing his Old Faithful of holly and phoenix feather except oh wait, we left the pieces behind in the Forest of Irrelevancy in the first half. D'OH. I hated this scene.
• Conversely and surprisingly, the epilogue did not make me vomit fountains over how incredibly yuppie-like everyone became. Hold on to your hats, dear readers, but the epilogue in the movie was actually an improvement over the epilogue in the book. They cut out a good deal of dialogue, which was a very smart move on their part because every time I read the epilogue, I am like, "J.K., dollface, I love you so much but what the actual fuck did you do to your beloved?" Oy vey. Plus, the make-up and SFX to make the principle characters look older was well done, but MALFOY. OH MY GOD, OLDER!MALFOY MADE ME LOSE MY SHIT IN THE THEATER. Facial hair? On my Malfoys? How about no. Older!Ron had a bit of a potbelly too, which made me giggle until I remembered that he sucks. Come at me, bro; I can't stand Ron.

Welp, there you have it, as much as I can remember. In conclusion, my childhood is over. Let's go, Pottermore.