Excuse Me, What?

Rather than piss and moan outright about going stir crazy during Snowmageddon 2010, I've disguised it as a way to disprove Charles Darwin's theory (but not of natural selection. I will support that until the day I die...or the day I spawn something greater or equal to the sum of its parts, namely me and whomever is lucky enough to eventually spawn with me). So here it is: why evolution is a lie, along with the cake.

I am not a big fan of the great outdoors (Mar-Lu-Ridge being the exception, barely), and the only thing I hate more than being outside for long periods of time is being inside for long periods of time. I cannot stress enough how much I hate being cooped up in my house for as little as two days at a time. Snowmageddon Oh-Ten began early Friday afternoon. I came home from college at around 7 PM. From that time on Friday to Monday at 3 PM, I was inside my house as Mother Nature raged really hard all over the East Coast. That amounts to 50-some hours in my house, eating our provisions, and doing everything short of something actually productive. I mean, seriously. Ew.

Finally, I had enough. I called my esteemed best friend and, after pouring out some of my insanity (which, frankly, was quite terrifying to behold), she invited me over to her dad's house. As everyone knows, the best course of action when confronted by someone clearly unhinged is to invite them to your humble abode.

I am always excited to see my best friend, but after being in my house for nearly three days straight, an all-expenses-paid trip to Jamaica could not have made me happier than I was at that moment. I WAS FINALLY GETTING OUT! Eat me, Mother Nature Dearest.

Excitedly, I put on makeup for the first time in three day and ran outside. It was a sunny day, balmy at 33 degrees Fahrenheit, and my joy came to a rude halt when I saw (aka remembered) that while my mother and I had successfully excavated her vehicle on Sunday, we had thrown the snow in the general direction, of...yeah. My car.

Fig. 1

An artist's depiction of my face, with a helpful caption. Braille edition available upon request.

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS THE RAGE. Actually, they can, but they're all naughty and taboo.

I am not one to quit. If I do quit, it's not without a fight, and I generally come back. With the taste of sweet escape so tantalizingly close, I grabbed a shovel and started attacking the four foot high fortress that surrounded my poor Saturn. One hour, one pair of pants, 91857265284395487523 swear words, 3 tears, 3 attempts at pulling the car out, one attempt at pushing the car from behind, and however many number of shovelfuls of snow later, I WAS FREE. Free to a land of Xbox, of parents that buy me chicken wraps from Chic-fil-A, of cute wittle doggies, and of "Can she spend the night at my house?" Friends, countrymen, Romans, it was a beautiful time.

But, like all good things, they must come to an end. Jackie spent the night at my house, but had to leave at 1 because OH HEY, MOMMA N'S GONNA TAKE ANOTHER DUMP. TOO MUCH SNOW-CHIPOTLE, EVIDENTLY.

These past 11 hours have been an utter waste of daylight. I can only re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-reread Harry Potter so many times. I can only check Facebook, FML, and Ruminations so often. Webcomics only update once daily. I can only eat so much until even I become disgusted with myself. The worst part? I get to do it all again tomorrow because there's STILL no school, and probably won't be until next Monday. Looks like I'll be re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-restarting one of my Pokemon games again.

So, the part about evolution. I have left my bed only to get food, change laying positions, and, of course, when nature calls. My sheets and comforter were a cocoon of coziness until I had the sense to reconstruct it into an actual bed again. My water, sunflower seeds, laptop, phone, and Harry Potter No. 5 are all within arm's reach. I have not showered since Monday morning, and have not brushed my teeth since Saturday or Sunday. I've been sleeping in my bra because I'm too lazy and apathetic to take it off. PEOPLE, I AM DISGUSTING. I AM BASICALLY WALLOWING IN MY OWN FILTH. I am no longer a functioning human being, but a vegetable. Actually, vegetables are healthy, so I am a hamburger. I have devolved. Darwin gets to be stoned because he's a lying liar McPantonfire. Too bad he's dead. Yeah, way to escape your execution on a technicality. Jerk.

Seriously, Mother Nature. Enough already. Look, we even have a big-ass white flag to wave at you called the FRIGGEN EAST COAST. How fitting that as soon as I start to make friends at school, I get to not go for a week. Thanks world, you own.