Excuse Me, What?

Read Part I here.

I love and hate it in equal measure. The general reasons are obvious and are more likely than not the same as everyone else.

I'm subbed to some funny people: Shane Dawson, Ryan Higa, Philip DeFranco, KassemG, etc. But I refuse to be associated with their other fans purely because they are SO. FUCKING. STUPID. I swear, they are all fourteen year old girls that would suck their dick to get a comment reply. Shut. The hell. Up. Here are some examples of the cancer that is killing YouTube (besides 30-second ads for 90-second videos and VEVO):

The Apparent Correlation Between Video Dislikes and Justin Bieber (hint: THERE IS NONE):

• "Justin Bieber made 299 YouTube accounts just to dislike this video."
• "The amount of Dislikes is how big Justin Bieber's penis is."
• "700 people think Justin Bieber is the best."

Oh my god, seriously. Take your pathetic vendetta elsewhere.

General:

• "[a general and most likely fucking obvious statement], thumbs up if you agree!"

For every thumbs up you get, I hope you get anally raped with a giant black dildo.

• "Leik omgz, if you don't like their music, then why are you watching this??"

Read: "Leik omgz, how dare you have a different opinion than me and express it on a public forum! I totally thought were on www.JustinBieberIsAwesomeAndDon'tYouDARESayAnythingOtherwiseEvenThough

There'sThisThingCalledTheFIRSTFUCKINGAMENDMENT.com!"

• "DON'T READ THIS. You will get kissed by your current Shallow Crush of the Week tomorrow if you copy and paste this into 9001 other videos! If you don't, a totally irrelevant ghost will enter your house, skullfuck your mother, eat all your food and not even call the next day. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED."

I can't even believe this shit still exists. I thought it died out with those AOL Free Trial CDs that used to come in the mail. I miss those. They made great coasters.

• "Holy crap, their music sounds better and their music videos are of a higher quality because they can actually afford to shoot them outside of their parent's garage. WHAT SELL-OUTS."

Words can't even express how much I am not touching this one.

• "Haha, this was a great video! I love watching people fail at riding horses! If you liked this, check out my vids at www.SiteThatHasFuckallToDoWithThisVideo.com"

I'm sorry, but this has to be the most ass-backwards way to direct traffic to your site. Every time some attention whore "webmaster" with a new site does this, Satan decapitates a puppy. Not to mention you get at least 30 or so people an hour that will absolutely not go to your site. Way to go, champ.

• "OMG OMG OMG I AM UR BIGGEST FAN! I WATCH UR VIDS ERRDAY AND FORCE MY HAPLESS FRIENDS WITH AN ACTUAL SENSE OF HUMOR TO WATCH THEM TOO! OMG U TOTALLY SAVED MY LIFE, TOO. SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT MY EMO POETRY WOULD NEVER SELL AND I THOUGHT I HAD NOTHING TO LIVE FOR UNTIL I SAW UR VID OF YOU SPOON-FEEDING PUDDING TO A KOALA! THANK U SOOOO MUCH I LOVE U!"

Have I mentioned just how much I hate fourteen-year-old girls? By the way, I hate fourteen-year-old girls. I cannot stress this enough.

• "[relatively well-known YouTuber] sent me here!!!11"

...And? Sorry, but approximately 0% of the YouTube population gives any kind of a shit on how you got here. Watch the video, comment on the VIDEO if you must, and go away. I have actually seen these relatively well-known YouTubers get annoyed that people waste comment space because THEY SENT ME HERE OMG LOLOLOL!!!!1 That's right, your precious idols dislike you doing this. If this isn't enough incentive to stop your nonsense, there's an old maneuver that I like to call "My Foot + Your Ass."

• "OMG THERE ARE 303 VIEWS BUT 9,001 COMMENTS? HOW CAN THIS BEEEE? UTOOB IS BROKEN!!!!!1"

Yes, I know: there are people that STILL don't understand how YouTube counts views on a new video, especially one with heavy traffic. It'll right itself in a matter of hours. Lay off the paranoia Pixie Stix, kids. Along those same lines:

• "Like this if you're the 303rd viewer!"

This stopped being clever immediately after it started happening. Cut it out.

There are countless more idiot comments that I could draw on, but I can't think of any more and this covers most of the major ones that I see. Plus, having to get into the mindset of a collective this retarded is giving me tuberculosis, so we're done here.